Keystone Cops Investigate Bikini Tops

The police commissioner in Atacames doesn’t want to know.

“We don’t deal with Mompiche,” he says flatly, refusing to look up from his papers, behaving more like a stuffy bureaucrat than a policeman.

“But they told me to come here,” I plead, hurting from the long bus trip; badly bruised and battered the day after the machete attack.

“No. We’re not interested.” He turns his back and waves me away, as if I am nothing more than an insect bothering him unnecessarily. The police logo on his desk says “To Serve and Protect”.

Angry and frustrated, I leave. He’s the second policeman I’ve encountered in two days who could care less if Mayor had chopped me into human sushi. The first being Jimmy who, normally round and jolly, suddenly transformed into stone. At this point, I wonder if Ecuador actually has any laws regarding machete attacks. Are women, whatever their age, race, creed or color, not protected against violence, domestic or otherwise? Apparently not.

Exhausted and sore, I return to Mompiche and spend a couple of days in bed, recovering from my injuries; physical and psychological, and thinking about my next move. At some point, I have photos taken of my wounds.

The Police Commissioner in Muisne is only slightly more helpful.

“We will issue a restraining order and then request that he come in and talk to us,” reassures the enormous dark policeman. He reeks of onions. I shy away from his foul breath.

“Talk to you?” I ask, incredulous. “Is that it?”

The commissioner shrugs effeminately. Whatever happened to putting criminals in handcuffs and putting them behind bars? Is that not done here? Clearly, unless some form of remuneration is passed under the table, his soft, un-calloused hands are tied. One lunatic almost murdered me and this corrupt creep expects me to pay him to uphold the law? He disgusts and dismays me. Restraining order in hand, I take the next bus to Esmeraldas. My body aches in protest at the long distances I have to travel to get anything done.

The Provincial Chief of Police is happy to receive me, if only I could wait a few minutes. Of course. Hands throbbing, head aching, eyes red from stress and exhaustion, I sit in a waiting room for almost an hour while Colonel Ponce concludes his meetings.

“He what?!” Colonel Ponce asks, his jaw dropping after I describe the crime in detail and then Jimmy’s subsequent reaction. I go on to outline the other meetings with the commissioners in Atacames and Muisne.

Nodding and frowning as I relate the events of the previous few days, grey-haired Ponce is clearly disturbed. His thin face, deeply lined with the responsibilities of his province, twitches as he absorbs the information.

“This is unacceptable,” he states, picking up the phone. “We’re going to do something about this immediately.”

A few minutes later, another commissioner shows up. “Come with me ma’am. We’re going to take your statement downstairs.”

A grueling half-hour with Constable Solis Mina Wellington in the interview room reveals mostly that this lean crew-cut policeman has never learned to type, much less read or spell. And he doesn’t know the first thing about listening. The statement is incomplete, and filled with errors. I try to explain that there is more, that we’re not even half done. He’s not interested. It’s the end of his shift. Wellington wants to go home.

“You have to come back tomorrow to verify your signature and get a medical examination,” he says, printing the document. He doesn’t even give me a chance to read it before he signs it, hands me a copy, and vanishes out the door. At the front desk, the clerk insists I sign the papers because Constable Wellington has already signed both the office copies. Reluctantly, I sign my name at the bottom of each page.

This half-assed statement in hand; typos, names and dates incorrect, spelling errors and all, I head back to the bus station only to learn I’ve missed the last bus back to Mompiche. The last bus to Chamanga is leaving in ten minutes. I doze most of the way to Tres Vias.

Dropped off at the turn-off, I discover there is no phone signal, and begin walking. I cover almost the entire seven kilometers to the village in the dark before Miguel comes along and gives me a ride the last bit of the way home on his motorbike. A few minutes later, when I go to deliver a copy of the restraining order to the police station, I learn that Jimmy has been transferred out of Mompiche; replaced by Constable Ricardo Sanchez. It’s loathe at first sight. In another place, another time, he might have been profiled as the perfect Gestapo recruit. He’s also a friend of Mayor’s.

At dawn the next morning, I head back to Esmeraldas to verify my signature and get a medical examination. CTW, my eye witness, comes along. She was with me in the house when Mayor showed up and she witnessed the whole gory incident. She’s agreed to make a police statement. We are misinformed that we will have to wait until 3pm. After whiling the time away in internet cafes and wandering around the streets of the city, we finally arrive at the provincial District Attorney’s office. There, we’re made for wait for over an hour until they decide what to do with us. Finally, just before 5pm, we’re taken upstairs. A hurried secretary leads CTW into an interview room and I’m taken down the the doctor’s office to make an injury report that, in the end, never makes it to the District Attorney’s office in Atacames. CTW’s statement is also incomplete and riddled with mistakes.

Once again, the last bus to Mompiche is long gone by the time we arrive at the bus terminal. We board the last bus to Chamanga. Tonight, by prearrangement, Galo Intriago picks us up at the entrance. Barely able to keep my eyes open, I can’t even be bothered to eat before I hit the sack.

CTW stays for a couple more weeks, enjoying Mompiche and helping to cook, clean and wash my hair; activities I am unable to do with badly injured hands. After helping me move into the half-constructed house, she leaves for the USA.

“So why did you fire the builder?” asks the DA’s secretary, Luis Castillo.

“I got tired of the sexual harassment, the verbal abuse and the general lack of respect, the poor quality building methods, and being robbed every time I turned around, amongst other things,” I tell him, describing a few specific incidents of the sexual harassment.

For a long moment, Luis Castillo sits at his desk with his mouth open, appalled. It seems there are laws in Ecuador regarding sexual harassment.

“You have to make a separate statement for the sexual harassment,” he informs me. “Then you need to go and see the detectives so they can investigate the crime scene. I’ll also send you to the doctor for a legal examination because the last report never arrived.”

I spend another hour with another man who can’t type, making another statement, incomplete and full of errors, regarding the sexual harassment I was subjected to while Mayor was building my house.

“Why didn’t you fire him sooner?” Luis inquires.

“Because I thought I’d get hung up by the thumbs by the labor council.”

A friend had recently been done over by a worker he’d fired for theft. The labor council made him pay the worker over three thousand dollars – a year’s salary – for breaking the employment contract. I didn’t want to end up in the same predicament.

“Sexual harassment is hard to prove,” he states, painstakingly punching out one letter at a time with his index fingers.

Tell me about it.

Next, he sends me to the Atacames Police to organize the investigation. Detective Alejandro Paredes could have fallen off the set of a very bad detective film. He has greasy unkempt hair, the beginnings of a paunch and Marty Feldman-ish goggle eyes. He closely inspects the neckline of my tank top, as if that’s precisely where he’s planning to launch his investigation. During our interview, his eyes shy away from meeting mine.

“You’ll have to pay for the gasoline so I can come to Mompiche and do an investigation,” he says, staring at his chipped fingernails.

He’s kidding, right? Apparently, he’s not kidding. I’m down to my last hundred bucks in the whole world and this joker who is paid by the state expects me to pay his gas.

“Why don’t you come in a police car?”

His look shows that he knows I know. I look straight through his eyes. He looks away.

“Okay. I can probably find a police car in the next week.”

“What will you do exactly?”

“Investigate the crime scene. Take photos. Look around.”

A week later, Detective Alejandro Paredes shows up in a police car, with a male friend and two girls in shorts and bikini tops in tow. Very professional. Not. He spends half an hour in my house, touching everything, asking irrelevant questions, peering into my bedroom. At every step he takes, my hackles rise higher. I say nothing. He takes photos. He asks me to pose. I prefer not to. Photos of my physical injuries have already been submitted to the DA’s office. Paredes doesn’t need photos of me, just of the damage to the wooden door and all the blood stains. My unwillingness to cooperate makes him antsy.

“We need these photos for evidence.”

“These bloodstains on the floor are the evidence.”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to…”

“You’ll figure it out. See you tomorrow.”

I’m relieved to see the back of him. Sleazy is not a nasty enough word for him. The next day, when I go to the police station, he can’t figure out how to download the photos from the camera to the computer. I have to show him. He makes me slide past his chair and lean over his back to transfer the files. I ask him to save them to my USB drive so I can print them. He accidentally deletes every file I have saved. I spend fifteen minutes retrieving them, then he yanks my USB out of the computer. Finally, with his USB in hand, I get the photos printed then return to the police station so he can spend three hours typing descriptions of each photo and then pasting them onto white sheets of paper. We then go to deliver the photos to the public prosecutor. On the way back from the DA’s office, we pass an ice cream shop famous for its tasty handmade ice creams.

“Let’s get ice cream,” he suggests.

I consider the limited funds in my pocket. We missed lunch. I can spring for an ice cream cone each and still have bus fare home. Once inside, he orders a fancy fruit salad bowl with four scoops and whipped cream, nuts, cherries, all the trimmings. Wipes out my wallet. While slurps his ice cream, loudly sucking on pieces of watermelon and papaya, he licks his lips and greedily ogles every girl that walks past, checking them out in the mirror as they turn the corner.

“Tell me about the sexual harassment,” he says, looking me up and down.

“It’s in the statement.”

“What did he say to you? What did he do? Did he touch you?”

“Read the statement.”

“I want you to tell me.”

“I’m sure you do.”

When I get on the bus, penniless, I tell the conductor that I have no money because I was robbed in Atacames. It’s kind of true. The conductor tells me not to worry, he’ll get me safely to Mompiche and I can pay him next time. He will never know how eternally grateful I am to meet a sincere man with a gentle heart right at that moment. It’s those kind souls who restore my battered faith in the human race. The first time since being attacked, I shed a tear.

Booty and the Beasties

“You’re fat!” states Don Iber, beaming as if these are the exact words a woman wants to hear. He leans forward on his motorcycle and looks me up and down with hungry eyes, nodding approval.

“Just like your wife!” I retort with a smile, trying not to feel stung by what I know is meant to be a compliment.

There are women in my culture who would catapult Don Iber head first over his handlebars for such a remark. On the day we speak, I weigh one hundred and fifty pounds (68kg), up from the one hundred and thirty five pounds (62kg) I dropped to when I was gravely ill. Iber’s wife weighs around three hundred pounds (135kg). After a three-month recovery from dengue and typhoid, I’m finally looking less like a walking skeleton and more like a human being. And I’m not gorda!

Skin and bone doesn’t work for me as a look; I have booty. Luckily for me, Latino culture is all about booty. The more the better. Instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” Latinos manufacture jeans that highlight and enhance large bouncy melon-shaped tushies. So when someone comments that you’re fat, it’s a compliment. Gorda is good. It’s a synonym for desirable, attractive, sexy, gorgeous . . . I think you get it.

“You’re too skinny and you look ten years older,” notes Kenny, Don Talon’s wife, a week after I arrive home from hospital. This is not a compliment.

Still, “fat” is overdoing it a little considering I weighed over two hundred pounds (95kg) when I arrived in Mompiche. This doesn’t deter men from hitting on you, rather the opposite.

“Marry me,” whispers Don Talon every day for months when I go to get fish from the boats.

“Hands off! She’s mine!” announces Nyongo, Talon’s older brother.

“No way!” sneers Chuco, the eldest of the three. “You’re both too ugly! She’s my girl.”

The Castillo brothers compete daily for my affections. It makes no difference to any of them that I’m not interested. All three resemble chocolate-coated Frankenstein creations with enormous hands and feet. None of them has been further afield than Esmeraldas. They can’t read or write. They each think that being a fisherman with a run down bamboo shack is enough incentive for women to fall over themselves for such an irresistible catch. That Nyongo goes on a raging bender lasting three or four days every month isn’t important. That Talon has a wife and a tribe of kids doesn’t matter. That Chuco has a running tab at the brothel is a minor flaw to be overlooked.

“You’ll never have to come to the beach and search for fish again,” they promise.

Thanks but – ahem – I think I’ll pass. Besides, I like being on the beach.

“I just want to get my hands on that fat juicy butt!” snorts Angel, a seafood trader, thinking I’m still out of earshot as I approach Efren’s boat. The fishermen cleaning the nets laugh. Angel scratches his crotch and spits in the sand, leering as I near. He pulls up his grubby t-shirt and rubs his enormous hairy belly. “I don’t understand why you don’t like me,” he pouts, pushing himself away from the boat.

“Maybe your wife and five kids have something to do with it,” I say diplomatically, stepping wide to avoid his lecherous hands. If I get too close he’ll grope me again, tweaking my backside.

It’s true. I have a big round butt. I’m one of Freddy Mercury’s “fat bottomed girls that make the rocking world go round”, and I’m proud of my wobbly white orbs. That doesn’t mean everyone is invited to touch them. In fact, I’m not ashamed to admit that I have decked men for sexual molestation. Angel is lucky he didn’t end up face down in the sand.

Fernando isn’t so lucky the Saturday night he sneaks up behind me in the discotheque and cups my bottom with both his hands while I’m dancing with Yoyo. Instantly I spin around ninja-turtle style and box his ears then twirl back to my dance partner and continue to salsa without missing a step. Fernando’s freckled gollywog face bounces off the cement column in the center of the room and he staggers out the door shell shocked. Drunk and oblivious, he doesn’t feel the black eye until the following day.

On seeing Fernando’s impressive shiner, everyone asks “What happened to you?”

“Nothing,” he mutters, intently studying his feet.

“Roni clobbered him,” announces Don Julo, the storekeeper, a huge grin splitting his face as he regales the gory details to anyone and everyone.

The news spreads quickly. The story is embellished and improved upon as it’s passed along. By Monday everyone has heard one version or another. After that, no one ever gropes me again.

In a machismo culture sexual harassment is the norm. It’s not perceived as harassment. It’s meant as a come on, to let you know you’re attractive to the ogre who is ogling you.

Mamacita rica,” men say as you pass in the street. Beautiful mama.

Plain-looking girls with junk-in-the-trunk and low self-esteem could be cured here, frequently listening to these compliments. From the six-packed surfer boys to the town drunk, every day some hopeful Lothario shares his opinion; wanted or not.

“You’re more beautiful every day,” says Don Jata, making puppy eyes at me as he shuffles towards the beach.

That he’s seventy five, can barely walk and has no teeth is irrelevant.

At first it’s good for the ego, hearing how gorgeous I am from every man with eyes in his head. Then I begin to realize they all want a piece of me; or rather, my wallet. You see, I’m filthy rich. I have three houses in my home country, a villa on the Mediterranean coast, a current model BMW at each locale and a limitless bank account. It doesn’t have to be real to be true in Mompiche. And when I try to explain the truth; that I’ve been a struggling artist my whole life, no one believes me. I can’t count how many men who aren’t on speaking terms with me because I refuse to share my endless pots of gold.

“Oh, Miguel, you’re not talking to me? How my heart breaks!” I tease. I couldn’t care less.

“Hello, my love. How are you today?”

On the main street, I turn to see who’s addressing me. The speaker is thirteen or fourteen at most. He’s kidding, right? Actually he isn’t. Every day for several months he greets me this way. In the evenings at the public well, he poses and preens to get my attention, dancing while stripping off to bathe in the unpaved street. I have to turn my back so he can’t see me laughing. Sometimes I hide inside when he passes with his buckets. He’s called Pipo. I don’t know his real name. He’s one of Ocho Mil’s brood; placed somewhere in the middle of fourteen siblings. He thinks it’s cool to be “in love” with the local gringa; at least until the next cool thing comes along.

As my face fills out again, changing from drawn and pallid to robust and healthy, my too loose pants fill up and stop falling off, and people begin commenting on how well I look.

“You’re fat!” says Juan Zambrano in the morning when I buy half a liter of fresh udder-warm milk from him for thirty cents.

“Thanks. I’m getting better,” I reply with a smile before going home to feed my cats.